Back in 2007, I was so disgusted with myself not being able lose weight that I decided to take a radical approach to help me. The surgeries available were becoming more accepted by physicians and even more accepting my health insurance companies. I am sure they hired a few dozen accountants to crunch the numbers of how much they would pay out over my lifetime for my health care if I remained over weight. Then they compared this cost to the several thousand dollars of a one-time procedure to help me get my weight under control. None the less, they approved my procedure and I had the surgery to begin my weight loss. I had surgery in January of 2008.
Soon after having the surgery, it did not take long for me to begin losing weight. This goes without saying when you can barely swallow a sip of water after the surgery. Week after week I was losing weight. The best part is that I did not have to go to the gym or perform a rigorous workout routine to make it fall off. It simply did it on its own.
The first weeks after surgery my diet consisted of delicious, crushed Jell-O, protein shakes, and pureed vegetables. It did not take long that we were tired of the same old bland foods and making puree. We took a trip to the grocery store to look for foods we may be able to eat. We felt liberated when we went to the grocery store and found all kinds of baby food that really seemed too appetizing. We splurged and picked up several flavors for our indulgence. For the first two months our food had to be chopped up, pureed or even liquefied in order to digest it. Then we moved over to soft foods that could be easily digested. On our first trip after the surgery, we went to a restaurant together and split an order of soup and a scoop of mashed potatoes. You should have seen the look on the waiters face when he realized that was all we wanted. It was priceless! Today we are able to eat real food with a few exceptions. It took us time to make this transition.
The process of losing this kind of weight is very rewarding. Finding your clothes are too big and don’t fit like they used to, but only this time because they are just too big! My belt seemed to grow larger as I would use holes that have never been used. I even had to make new holes after I ran out of the ones made by the extra-large belt company. I could have bought new clothes and belts but I was not sure when I would stop losing weight. It felt good to have baggy clothes for a different reason. When I was fat, I liked the baggie feel as it seemed to hide my fat. I think most people knew I was fat anyway so I am not sure why this mattered to me. Now I had a new reason to enjoy baggy clothes; I could see the progress of my weight loss and I was proud of what was happening to me and who I was becoming.
The metamorphosis that was taking place with my body was very exciting to me. I was hearing compliments from people every week. These compliments were like gold to me and I never got tired of hearing them. I started shopping for used clothing at Good Will and St. Vinnie’s as I could find sizes that fit me and they were really cheap! I liked this new experience.
I also started getting outside more and doing things that I was afraid to do or that I was not able to do. I did not pant for air with the few steps I would take. I could go for long walks and I really enjoyed them. I did not feel like I was doing this for the effort of losing weight but I was now doing this for the reward of having lost the weight. I also started getting out in the woods and found my hunting gear once again. I explored new forests and rediscovered the sound grouse makes when you flush them out of the woods. It felt so good to be back doing the things I love. I felt like I was in a new world with so much to explore and do!
One of my favorite experiences with my weight loss took place on a business trip to our company headquarters in Cincinnati. They had me come down for some meetings and I walked the hallways of the ivory tower. While walking down the hallway with a coworker, I saw an old friend walking toward me that I had not seen since before my surgery. Keep in mind that I did not tell everyone that I had this surgery. He walked toward me and looked at me but did not say anything, nor did I. It was not until after we passed each other that I spoke to the coworker next to me. My old friend turned his head but was very confused. He recognized my voice but not my body. He was stunned at what he saw and I was proud as could be! We stopped and talked and he expressed how amazed at how different I looked.
I have been to many airports and met many TSA agents while I traveled for my job. Some agents are not so friendly which I think is a requirement for the job. After my surgery I would hand over my driver’s license with the same picture that was taken when I was at my peak weight. I was delighted when the TSA agents did a double take with me and the driver’s license photo. Many agents actually smiled at me (Yes it is true, some TSA agents do smile) and said, WOW! Congratulations on the weight loss! I was shocked and proud by these statements.
About a year later; I am not sure when it dawned on me or what made me take note of this but something wasn’t right. It was God prompting me again. Although I was feeling great with how I looked on the outside and how good it made me feel, I realized that I was still the same person on the inside. I knew something was wrong but I did not know what it was. How could this be I thought? I lost 130 lbs., I can do things I have not done in years, my life was great; but it wasn’t.
The part that was missing was change on the inside. What change did I need? How do I find this out? I knew in my heart what was missing but I just did not want to admit it. The missing part was a close relationship with Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, I am a Christian because I did ask Jesus into my heart as a teenager. However, I knew that I was not living the life that I should as a Christian. I was not reading the Bible or spending much time in prayer. I was not engaged in any Bible study or other efforts to develop the spiritual disciplines I needed in my life. I was just coasting along knowing that I am a Christian and I was going to church every Sunday. After all, that is the only thing that a Christian needs to do right?
Losing weight made me feel like a new person on the outside but I needed to change on the inside. I knew this change would need to begin in my heart so I got down on my knees to pray and I asked God to change me. I started to work on this change by reading my dust covered Bible and praying. I even started attending a men’s Bible study that met on during the week. I felt like I was truly on the path making a change for the better. As I got started in this new journey, I declared to God that this was my “Inside Out Journey”. I really felt good about what was happening inside of me. I was feeling more fulfilled and complete! There was change taking place on the inside that would soon match the change on the outside. This was when I first came up with the title “Inside Out Journey”.
I struggled with this new effort to walk closer with Jesus on and off over the next two years. It seems so hard to build the disciplines that God commands us to do as his followers. This is not new information for me as I have struggled all my life to develop these disciplines which a Godly man should possess. I have met many men in my life who you could just tell had these disciplines engrained into their life. It was so clear to see. You could have a conversation with them and you could see their Christ likeness in their speech, actions and attitudes. I longed to be like them! I just couldn’t find a way to get there.
Looking back to this time, I now have come to understand why I could not achieve my goals of being more like Christ. I had sin in my life that I was not willing to let go of. I had a habit of viewing pornography. This problem started as a teenager and progressed on and off again throughout my life. I would view it for a while with a voracious appetite and then get away from it and put it away for months at a time. I would in essence quit viewing porn only to start again. This cycle continued in my life and I never saw it is a problem. I have come to believe this was normal behavior and something that men just do not talk about.
At one point I did feel this was becoming a problem and I wanted to understand more about it. Who do you ask about such a problem? I am not a big reader but I had heard about a book that deals with this problem. I read the book “Every Mans Battle” while I was traveling for work. I was brave enough to read on several flights (I am a slow reader). While reading this book I felt better to know that I was no longer alone. There were other men who had this problem. The book talked about getting connected with other men who were dealing with this problem. “Find a group in your area.” the author of the book said. I was quickly let down by this statement. The town that I lived in was too small to have these kinds of groups. I did some searching and there were groups in the state but I would have to travel.
This would not be a big problem to travel to a group, but there was another problem. I had not told my wife about this problem and I did not want to do that either. This is a man’s issue and she did not need to know about it and I was afraid of any judgment I may receive. (If you know my wife you know how unrealistic this fear was!) So traveling was out of the question as I would have to either tell my wife the truth or I would have to lie to her and tell there was going to another town every week for some made up reason. Lying would make it worse and I could not do it. So I decided the easiest thing I could was nothing at all and continue with my double life.
I knew that viewing porn was wrong and I felt really bad for it. I never sought help with it for a couple of reasons; I did not see it as a problem, and even if I did see it as a problem, who would I turn to for help? This is not something one likes to admit to. Yes, I did confess this sin to Jesus and I asked for help from him to get passed this problem. However, satan used this secret to make me feel incredibly guilty and shameful. He made me believe that this sin was OK because it was private and nobody would know about it. I could go to my grave with this and nobody would have to know about it. It was a secret! I now understand that this was a lie that he told me. satan is such a master of deception. If you are not careful he can make you believe things that are not true!
It is secret sins like this that keep us from truly realizing who we are in Christ! This is what has been holding me back from being Christ like and being that Godly man I craved to become. God cannot work in our lives when we lead double lives. Our God is a jealous God. He wants our undivided love and devotion. In Matthew 6:24 Jesus says:
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”
This may not be theologically sound but I believe that Jesus was making a point with money but it can also mean other things that we value more than Jesus. For some it is money, for others it may be the career, it may be our anxiety, or it may be a hobby that we are obsessed with. In my case it was porn. I believe I could personalize the last line of this verse to read something like this; “You cannot serve God and search for porn in secret.” At least that would be appropriate for me at that time.
Back in 2009 when I first came up with the title “Inside Out”, I had no idea of the other possible meanings it could take on for me. When I thought about the need for change on the inside after having radical surgery to lose weight, I had no idea that I would need is radical surgery to change my heart as well. This is the great thing about God. He knows what we need long before we do! He knew I was not listening to his voice. He knew I was stubborn (I am sure my family would attest to this). He knew that I was full of pride. He knew that I was blind to my own sin. God knew that I needed radical surgery in my heart to correct these afflictions. He knew this when he gave the title “Inside out”.
After my physical surgery to lose weight, I lost weight very quickly. After my spiritual surgery this past April, I have been losing the dead weight I was carrying when I did not need to. I have lost many pounds of pride! I have lost many pounds of bitterness. I have lost my critical spirit; I have lost the strong desire for lust and the need for porn. I have lost so much that from this surgery but there is one thing I have gained. I have my sight back! I can see again! I was blinded by the pride of my sin; I could not see what I had become. Now I see who I was and it I am horrified me at what I saw. The sad part is that many of you saw this too. I am sorry you had to see this ugly side of me!
I want to be clear, I am not instantly cured of my lust and craving for porn. This is something I am working on with help from others to overcome. You must also realize that my body did not change overnight when I had my physical surgery. The same is true for my spiritual surgery. Yes, God heaped a load of mercy and forgiveness overnight, however, the process of change take’s time. Unlike my physical surgery, I have to work at developing these new disciplines that will make me a Godly man. I still need to read his Word. I need to pray, I need to study his Word. I need to put into practice these things that he is teaching me. This is a process that requires time, consistency, and faith.
My journey is far from being over! The first week after my sin was exposed by law enforcement, I was ready to die. In fact, that was one of my first prayer’s to God. I asked him let me die. I was ashamed for my sin and did not want to face the punishment that was coming. What I needed to hear came from my own family; I was reminded that our life span is short in comparison to eternity. We will make mistakes in this life but if we seek God’s forgiveness and grace which he gives without question, we can live for eternity. I am happy to say I no longer feel the way I did the first week. I have found hope in Christ and I have the promise that he has plan for me that will bring glory to Him despite my mistakes.
This is my Inside out journey. And this is why I named the blog as I did. I felt that it is appropriate for the title of this blog. It will also take on additional meaning when I am incarcerated. I will be paying for my sin on the inside of prison waiting to get out. During this time while I wait for release, I plan to continue the Inside Out journey of my heart. I want to have an experience much like I did after my surgery when I had friends who did not recognize me. Only this time I want them to see the changes inside my soul.
This is a journey that will not end.
I have also adopted a theme song for my journey. When I first heard this song as a worship song in church, I cried because it describes exactly what I desire!
Take a listen for yourself.
Lyrics:
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Chorus 2x
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Chorus 2x
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
