RUNNING TO LOSE – PART 2

If you would have told me that It was possible for me to run four miles continuously a year ago I would never have believed you.  Yet here I am at age 52 and running 4 miles a day.  It was only 6 months ago that I began walking and even then I could only go for 3 miles before I was worn out.

Recently, I went through the logs that I had kept of my daily walks and runs.  I totaled up the laps I had turned through the summer and I was surprised at the results.  From the beginning of April to the end of September, I walked 2,711 laps on the track.  This converts to 774 miles, which is about the distance from here to “Mayberry”.  I could have run all the way home by now, if I could run in a straight line.  If I continue these laps over the next 5 years, I will have made several trips home.  Actually, I go there all the time now in my memories.  The best trip of them all will be that day I am released from custody and I am able to ride with my bride, Jeannie, for the last trip away from here.

It must seem like I am proud of my accomplishment.  It is true that I am proud of what I was able to do.  After all, running 4 miles was not something that I thought I would ever want to do.  However, I must be careful not to become prideful.  I have learned from my past mistakes what happens to a person when they are full of pride.  They tend to fall and fall hard as the Bible warns us. I once allowed my life to be full of pride and I fell; shattering my life and bringing collateral damage to those around me.  It was not pretty and I am still paying the price.  I don't want pride to build up in my life. I am grateful for the nice comments I have received from others.  But I cannot take credit for this accomplishment.  Yes, I made a commitment to get in better shape.  Yes, I made the effort to get on the track and walk.  Yes, I did push myself past the barriers that held me back for most of my life to make goals and meet them.  But the real credit goes to the one who answered my prayers, My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

You see, last winter when the cold winds blew keeping us inside the lodge with a very sedentary lifestyle, I struggled to keep fresh and alert. The dark cold days seemed endless.  It felt like a heavy fog rolled in and would not leave.  I was getting frustrated and discouraged.  So I prayed and asked my Heavenly Father to clear this fog and bring me clarity again.  I never would have expected this answer to come through running.  But this is how God chose to bring me out of this fog.  He always knows what is best for me.

I believe that we often get so caught up in our routines of life that we lose sight of our God-given purpose.  I wrote about this in a previous post about getting stuck in a rut.  Now I can look back and see how God used this focus on my physical health to steer me out of the fog.  He gave me a fresh, new perspective, which allowed me to see with better clarity.  A welcome break from the obstructed view caused by the fog.  But I think it has other applications as well.  The Apostle Paul wrote about this in Corinthians.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize?  So run that you may obtain it.  Every athlete exercises self-control in all things.  They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.  So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air.  But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.  1 Corinthians 9.24-27 ESV

See we are called to exercise self-control in ALL AREAS of our life.  Not just for the temporary bodies we live in now, but for our eternal life with Christ.  Don't get me wrong here; we should take care of our bodies.  We need to be in good shape to live this life for God's purpose. Something I have not done very well for most of my life.  What I believe we so often miss is the big picture. We need to see life at a 50,000-foot level.  Are we caught up in the day-to-day life or are we living for eternity?  Did God put us here to achieve the American Dream we hear so much about? Go to college, get married, have a family, get a good career and work hard, save money, retire and go golfing till we die? Or does God have a bigger plan for us? A plan to serve him and bring glory to him.

I believe Paul is telling us to prepare our lives now for the most important life; our eternal life with Christ in Heaven. It is there we will receive our rewards from the creator of life.  Paul is telling me that I should apply self-control in exercising the Godly disciplines that make me more Christ-like.  Disciplines like: Praying more, studying the Bible more, memorizing scripture more, meditating on scripture more.  These are the disciplines that will help me to produce the Fruits of the Spirit; the diversified orchard that God calls us to produce.  These are areas that I know that I need to develop more.  (Especially scripture memorization.) 

My brain is old and I have tried to commit verses to memory.  Yet I fail and fail at remembering the verses much like I failed to run a mile since high school.  So If God can help me develop self-control and discipline to run 4 miles, why can't He help me remember more scripture?  The same is true for studying the Bible.  I have started and stopped this effort many times leaving me to feel like a failure.  When I lost 42 lbs I gained many compliments and developed a new habit of running and eating.  What would Jesus say if I simply chose to stop there?  I really want to hear Jesus compliment me for knowing him better; for having a more intimate relationship with him, for memorizing His love letter to me. This is the prize that really matters.

So I will use this experience I had with running and use the same tools with some modification to help me gain control of these Godly disciplines.  God showed me how they work with improving my physical health. Now I can use them to improve my spiritual health.  I know that I can't do this on my own.  So I will ask for help from the Holy Spirit. I will add my commitment, I will make an effort, I will push forward,  I will trust Him.

Winter is coming again.  It will be cold and they will lock us inside when the snow falls heavy.  This is time I can use to develop these disciplines that will help me win the race.

I want to finish the race well.  I want to the win the crown my Savior has for me.  I want to hear him tell me "Well Done my good and faithful servant."  So I will pursue Him. I want eternity with God more than the American dream. The latter is not promised but eternity with Jesus is. I will invest in Him.

McFreedom

 Picture of "Coach" and Bryan in front of the Chapel wall and Bryan after losing 42 pounds!!!

RUNNING TO LOSE…(PART 1)

It was a good summer here.  So much was happening that the time went by quickly.  You want time to go by quickly when you are in prison.  Yet at the same time our lives are short and we don't want our lives to pass by too fast.  We want to savor life, enjoy it and live it to the fullest.  After all our life is but a mist when compared to eternity.

Self Discipline is not easily mastered.  In fact I have struggled with it for most of my life.  I would make a resolution at the beginning of the New Year and by February I had given up on it. This might explain why I had such a difficult time controlling my weight.  I would try a diet and fail, try a new exercise and fail, join a gym and never go but once.  All of these decisions were made with good intentions but they never panned out for a lack of self-discipline and laziness.  Before I had my bariatric surgery I had to meet with a psychologist.  He explained to me that he has had patients who had bariatric surgery up to three times.  I laughed in disbelief.  But it was true.  The surgery is not intended as a cure to weight loss.  It is a tool to help you overcome your cravings and learn how to apply self-discipline.  I was unsettled by the thought I would still have to apply effort to obtain weight loss. I wanted a quick fix. So I agreed to apply the effort required. But ultimately it required me to make a choice, a commitment to stick to the plan required of me to lose weight. So I made that commitment.

When I attended my first session of PURE I had one of those "aha" moments that many men before me have encountered.  This was the moment when you realize that the decision to stop looking at porn is a choice that I had to make. I did not have to be a slave to my cravings and desires any more if I simply made the choice to stop.  I know this seems overly simplified but if you have been through any recovery you understand this concept.  It is a crucial step in recovery. It is a commitment to change and stay with this commitment. I remember one of the guys in our group was participating, not to overcome his porn addiction, but rather because he wanted to gain control of his eating habits and live healthier.  I found that odd at first, but it makes perfect sense to me now.

This spring my friend, Chad, challenged me to go walking with him on the track.  He had spent over two months traveling through the BOP system stopping at some of the worst prisons imaginable only to make a fifteen-minute court appearance. After returning from a very miserable trip he wanted to get outside and get back into shape so he could start running again.  I was not so sure about the running part but I knew I needed to do something and walking sounded like a good place to start.  I spent most of the winter inside reading.  One book blended into another book.  They lost their definition. It was time for something different and Chad's invitation to go walking was welcome. I had put on some weight from being sedentary and I needed to get some exercise.  Our walks started out very laborious for me. My body ached everywhere.  I got blisters on my feet. My arthritic ankle was in agony every morning after walking.  I learned I had a “psychotic nerve”  (note:  Bryan knows this is sciatic nerve, but feels it is “funnier” this way) that caused a severe amount of pain.  Any one of these would normally deter me from continuing.  This time I had a friend, a coach, who would hold me accountable and encourage me to continue and push through the pain and keep going.

On April 3rd, I weighed in at 240.6 lbs. on the scale in the work out room. Proof that months of sedentary life had caught up to me again. We started walking 3 miles and I thought I was going to die at the end.  This seemed like a long journey going round and round on the track.  It takes 3.5 laps around our track to make 1 mile.  After 17.5 laps I felt like I was stuck making left turns.  We trudged on and walked 6 days a week; eventually working up to 8 miles a day. It was a cold and wet spring.  The track was often muddy with scattered puddles.  There were more cold days than warm and some of them were wet.  If it didn't rain too hard we kept going; becoming soaked to the bone.  I like the warm sunny days the best.  

I applied a simple mathematical formula to this new workout routine that became my motto.  Burn more calories than I consume. This meant an overhaul on my eating habits. So I cut back on the cakes.  They serve cake here all the time; especially for breakfast.  They were not always good cakes but they were cake.  I cut back on the carbs and focused on the meat and vegetables.  Most of the vegetables are boiled until the color and nutrients are gone but I ate them anyway.  I cut back on my commissary snacking too. I focused on healthy snacks like apples and bananas that I brought back from the Dirty Spoon.  They have a policy about removing food from the diner but it is generally not adhered to, so I learned to carry whatever extras I could back to my cube for latter snacking. I found a good hiding spot that would require greater effort for the poo-lice to locate.  They found them a couple of times. One day I came back from breakfast with 4 apples.  I placed two in each sleeve of my sweatshirt and one in each of pants pockets.  We had a newer officer working that day who stood outside the entrance to the lodge.  He was looking for contraband food and came up to me and patted my pockets. "one apple, two apples.  Got anything else?" he asked me, I smiled at him and told him I liked them. He waved me on to go inside the lodge with a smile.  This officer is really nice and I have had several pleasant conversations with him since then.  He is not the typical cop here. He does not thrive on power and control. He is more about respect and kindness.  In fact, I learned that he is a next-door neighbor to our good chaplain. He and most of the other poo-lice are not interested in confiscating a few apples.  They are more interested in catching the guys who are "muleing" food back from the kitchen using bread bags filled with chicken and hamburgers.  Yes, this really happens.

I had also learned how to change my understanding of food.  Chad helped me to see the good foods I like so much with a new perspective. Where normally eating has become the object of my desire to satisfy the flavor craving I have at the moment.  Or it becomes the comfort food to pacify my boredom.  Instead, I learned to look at the food more as a fuel source that would best help me in meeting my larger goals of healthy living.  I looked at the honey bun with a very different attitude.  Instead of something gooey and sweet to that goes well with a cup of coffee, I asked myself how many laps would I have to walk to offset the calories.  This gave me power to say no. Instead, I looked for the proteins wherever I could find them.  This is a challenge with our menu options.  I am not a big fan of fish as some of you know.  But I am now eating more it here. The commissary sells packs of tuna, mackerel and even smoked sardines.  I purchased a sample of each them found them to pretty good once I got past the overpowering odor some of them have.  So I stocked up on tuna, sardines and mackerel and used them to replace some of the meals or supplement them.  After my work out sessions, I use soft tortilla shells and open a pack of mackerel or sardines and add some Siam hot and sweet sauce or mustard for a nice post work-out snack.  Or I will use a packet of black beans I picked up from commissary and mix some tuna in it for dinner.  These are very satisfying and healthier than some of the carb loaded meals served at the Dirty Spoon.

 Occasionally while eating in short line at the Dirty Spoon, they would chop up vegetables and offer them to us.  Whenever they did this I stocked up with more servings than I should have.  I would stuff my pockets with the raw carrots and celery to take back to the lodge for a treat latter. I have also purchased some V8 juice from commissary and when I had these vegetables I would mix up a nice virgin bloody marry with hot sauce and pepper.  It is the simple things like this that are not only good for me, but remind me of being home again with my bride.

Recently, my coworkers at the Suds & Duds laundry were out on the loading dock while the food service guys unloaded pallets from the truck.  My friend spotted six boxes on the bottom of a pallet labeled "Cantaloupe" on them.  This came as a shock to us as we have not seen cantaloupe since we have been here.  We watched as they moved that pallet into the storage room and speculated that we would never see them again.  They would likely be stolen and sold exclusively back at the lodge.  Much to our surprise we found them quartered and on our breakfast trays. I even convinced one of the kitchen workers to bring us some at work in exchange for a new pair of boots that our boss gave him.  I had my fill.

As the weeks progressed I watched as the numbers on the scale kept dropping.  It was encouraging to see.  By June I had met my goal of losing 20lbs.  Since it was going so well I then made a new goal for another 20lbs.  My endurance was getting better and I felt stronger.  The aches and pains were getting better.  The coaching I had from Chad really made the difference to my new routine.  He often walked with me and we talked about ways to improve diet and routines.  Other times our schedules did not line up for walking together so we would walk independently.  The important thing was that we would connect during the day to find out when we were walking and if we actually did.  Real accountability the kind you cannot hide from.  Chad also taught me about tracking my daily laps and recording them.  I had to draw up my own spreadsheet, which I fill out everyday, to record my progress.  It is amazing how powerful this can be when you can see the progress you make on paper. 

The summer here was pretty hot.  The best time for me to do my walking was around 1pm when the sun was brightest.  By now I was up to walking 6 to 8 miles each day. It took me about an hour and 40 minutes to complete this distance. I did not let the heat stop me. In fact, I rather enjoyed the hot weather.  I know this seems odd coming from a guy who always preferred colder weather but when you lose a significant amount of weight, it is hard to stay warm.  I realized that once winter came I was not going to like spending this much time on the track when the winds blow strong. I was getting passed by the joggers everyday and it dawned on me that they spend much less time on the track and get a good work out.  Why couldn't I do that, I thought to myself? 

So I decided it was time for me to try out this jogging thing.   I started with one lap and realized it did not kill me but I was winded. So I began to alternate walking and running laps.  I like the idea that my time on the track was reduced a little. I was finding that I was getting very dehydrated with the additional running in the heat.  So I drank more water and pressed on.  I even had one of the inmate doctors here caution me about working out so much in the heat.  I was careful but I kept on going.

Then came my first milestone.  I ran 3.5 laps continuous without stopping.  I ran my first mile since high school!  This blew my mind as I realized how long ago it was that I could run that far.  I could not sustain this continuous running so I continued to do my alternating laps.  As August pushed on I started putting these laps together and I was getting consistent with a mile run every day. Then I would finish with walking laps.  I added more running laps to this each week and today I am running 4 miles every day without any walking.  I now spend 40 minutes on the track and I am done.  This should help me tolerate those cold winter winds when they blow.  This is a long way from where I started this past spring.  It is amazing what happens when you make a commitment to discipline yourself to achieve a goal.

(To be continued…)

McFreedom

(Picture of Bryan and I at our August visit 2014)

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How I spent my 52nd Birthday!

HOW I SPENT MY 52^ND BIRTHDAY:

"I turned 52 in prison doing life without parole...."  Or so goes the lyrics from an old Johnny Cash tune.  The years were changed to reflect the author AND the sentence is wrong.

Today was my birthday here and I didn't tell anyone.  I decided I wanted to forego the birthday sentiments from here and grow old quietly and gracefully.  I thought you might be interested on how my day was spent today. So here is a how my birthday went today.

I missed my wake alarm at 3:45 and slept to 4:12.  I was tired because my bunkie reads late at night and eats crackers from the noisy bag ,which kept me awake. I decided not to make it an issue.  Despite my late awakening, I still had plenty of time to have my quiet time with God.  It is the best time of the day when people are snoring and the farts are minimal.  I could see outside my window that it was foggy.  This means our schedule was going to be messed up.  The lieutenant does not like foggy days, as they believe we are all going to make a run for it.  Therefore we often do not go to work. There is a heightened sense of security when ever the visibility is reduced for fear of us slipping out of sight and scaling high fences and navigating through the coils of razor wire and dodging the bullets from the guard in the truck.  I guess it is possible one could make it out but not likely alive.

I checked the headlines on Fox and CNN to learn that ISIS is advancing, Ebola is multiplying, and they are still looking for flight 370, and a debate about a fan. This is also the day the workers at the Suds & Duds bring in our sheets and blankets and wash them at work.  It is one of the perks we get in the department.  I decided not to bring my bedding in and made my bed. I walked over to the other side of the lodge and looked out the windows on the compound.  It looked like the fog was moving out and that we would likely go to work after all.  So I grabbed my bedding and went to work when we were called.

6:00 am at the Suds & Duds. The morning started out fairly normal after  a near miss with the fog. We watched the fog ebb and flow on the compound and waited to see if they would call a fog watch.  I was sewing buttons on a uniform when I heard my counselor page my name to come and see him back at the lodge.  At 7:30 I walked across the compound to see and discover that he had updated my visitation list with a friend from Marshfield.  One of the four wise men from our small group at Northridge who are making plans to come and see me.  I checked my e-mail while I has in the lodge and found several from Jeannie.  I took my time reading them, enjoying every word.  I like her e-mails. After a quick read, I headed back to work only to meet my coworkers in the middle of the yard walking back to the lodge.  The lieutenant called a fog watch and closed the Suds & Duds.  I left my coffee cup at work and so were my sheets.  Oh well. So I went and watched more of the same news for awhile and then listened to Charles Stanley give a message on the Holy Spirit while I sat on my bare mattress.

8:30 Because of the fog watch they had to do a stand up count to make sure that no one got lost in the fog.

It was after 9:15 when they cleared the fog watch so we went over to the shop to finish our work. This is the time we normally head to short line for our lunch so our boss let us go eat.  It was also the time I had a callout (appointment in your world) to see the nurse.  I assume this was for my monthly B12 shot that I get.  So I decided to go to short line.  I figure that the medical office would be very delayed in getting to my appointment.  We waited as they got our fried chicken ready and then came the voice, "Erbst report to medical"  Nuts!  My second page for the day, which is very unusual.  There was nothing I could do since I was locked in the dirty spoon for this meal. They will have to wait and keep on paging me.

I finished my lunch and went over to medical and saw Ms. Pembroke.  I had my sleeve rolled up ready for a shot and she told me that it wasn't necessary.  I was confused and she explained that it was my annual appointment to give me the hemocult cards to check up on the dark side of the moon (If you know what I mean). Perhaps that was too much information.   She gave me the cards in a bio-hazard bag and told me that I would be back the next day to get my B12 shot.  It took every ounce of restraint inside of me to keep from asking the question "Why not do them both while I am here?"  This would imply an attitude by telling them there is a better way to their job.  So I remained quiet and told her I would be happy to come back the next day.

Now that this was done, I rushed back to work were we still had to finish up the days work.  I proudly displayed my bio-hazard bag to my co-workers to make them jealous but it didn't seem to work.  Then several of us headed over to commissary to pick up our shopping orders that we dropped off with the commissary workers while we were in short line together.  This is a privilege extended to us at the Suds & Duds only.  They room was standing room only and people were waiting upwards to an hour or two to get their orders filled.  We had our orders filled and we were out of there with in ten minutes.  It is a nice privilege but it is awkward at times when people are sneering at you going ahead of them.  The commissary just brought out a new item and I bought it.  It was my coveted prize for the day.  A bag of Oscar Meyer Real Bacon Bits!  It was hickory flavored.  This was my birthday treat today!

I went back to work and started hemming about a dozen brand new pants for our stock room.  Our boss is replacing pants more frequently so I am keeping busy lately prepping them.  Around 11:50 am we were wrapping up our work. Most of the guys left for the day but I hung around to do some sewing work for my friends who needed repair.  I started work on an old pair of shorts that had holes and needed new elastic. I should have advised him to throw them away as they were so worn out.  They had holes in them, and the elastic was shot.  The seam was coming apart.   I worked on that until 12:30 and cleaned up for the day so the boss could lock up the shop and head home for the day.

1:00 I was back at my cube and made my bed with the clean sheets.  I decided to skip my running today and relax.  I needed a nap but first I made a peanut butter wrap with a banana that I got in short line today.  I left the apple on top of my locker for a snack later.  I laid down and put my sleep mask on over my eyes while I listened to WORD FM.  It was not long before I fell asleep.

I woke up at 3:00 and went to check e-mail.  My celli, Nate, approached me and told that me our cube had been “shook down” by a notorious unfriendly cop. He had a reputation of being extremely rude and obnoxious. I asked him when it happened and he told me in the last hour while I was sleeping.  I scratched my head because it did not make sense.  The normal protocol for a shake down like this is to dismiss the residence of the cube. After all, a staff person should never turn their back on an inmate.  So while I slept, the Poo-lice went through our lockers looking for contraband and I did not even hear them.  Happy Birthday!  I went to see if I could see anything missing.  My apple was gone. I hope he enjoyed it. I did not see anything else missing but then again it is a full locker.  It creeps me out that the cop was two feet from head while I was sleeping.  But then again this is a creepy place. 

4:00 Daily stand up count to make sure we didn't leave.

4: 10 Mail call.  I got some birthday cards but nobody caught on that it was my birthday.  So far - so good.

4:30 we went to dinner.  Tonight's meal was scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy and potatoes.  But I had a different plan.  I brought my bacon bits, tortilla shells, parmesan cheese and Adobo seasoning.  I made a bacon and egg breakfast burrito.  What a treat!  I could taste the bacon.  My dinner companions could smell the bacon.  I offered to share it with them but they turned it down.  I am good with that.

5:30  I returned the manuscript written by our odd Chaplin about his anti-trinitarian belief back to him to free up space in my locker. The title of the book is: "What the Trinitarian Doctrine Misses". And yes, it is published. I wanted to tell him how many ways he was wrong in his book but wisdom took over and I thanked him for letting me read it. 

6:00  Time for desert.  On Columbus Day they served us single servings of pumpkin pie.  I saved my slice for today.  I made a cup of decaf coffee and went to the TV room to watch more of the broken news on CNN. They were waiting for a helicopter to land at the Dallas hospital to take the ebola virus to Washington.  They must believe it was important for us to watch this event.  I sprinkled some cinnamon that was given to me by a friend in the kitchen on my pie and slowly enjoyed it with my coffee.  I also had a kit kat bar to satisfy my craving for chocolate.  What a great treat!  Enough of this news.

6:30 called Mom and Dad to catch up.  They are so proud of my nephew in his recovery.  They love to talk about their visits to see him every week.  I love to hear about it. This blesses my heart to hear! 

6:45 Checked e-mail and read the posts sent in by family and friends.  I was overwhelmed with emotion as I read them.  I realized how blessed I am to have so many people who know what I have done and still love me.  I know there are many men here who do not have this kind of support.  Many have not even told most of their friends what happened to them.  They don't know the freedom in being open, honest, and transparent. To have true community even if that community is spread out over several states.  Thank you my friends!

7:00 I went back to my cube and continued reading the Psalms in my read through the Bible in a year plan.  It was quiet and very nice.

8:00 I took my beard trimmer to the bathroom and gave myself a haircut to get ready for my visit tomorrow.  I asked Nate to help me with the back of my neck.  No blood was shed in the process.  This time.

9:00 Called my sweet bride to say hello.  I love talking to her as she grounds me.  She keeps me up to date on what is happening in the family.  9:10 the line went silent. We got disconnected.

9:30  Time for stand up count.  They need to make sure we are still here.

10:00 Sat on my bunk praying.  Too much distraction with people around me to concentrate. Ugh!

11:30 Finished this e-mail.  Good night and God Bless you all!

McFreedom