This post has a bit of a different "flavor"... the weight of life behind the razor wire fences and the absence of people who love you and encourage you ... take a toll ...
"There has been a significant amount of time that has passed since I have last written in my journal. I went through a season of my worst depression, since I have been incarcerated. The darkness weighed heavily on my soul. There were days so dark I scarcely got out of bed. I did my job minimally, just enough to get by. I skipped some meals and just laid on my bed. My new friends began to take notice of my excessive slumber and my sorrowful countenance. However, they could not help me in my misery. The chaplains here offer little solace, as they only come down the hill to this facility when they have a scheduled event. Even then, they demonstrate an attitude of impatience to finish a meeting and leave. God even felt "distant" to me. I felt like David felt in Psalm 13, "How long will You hide Your face from me?"
I never felt more alone than I did then. There are 150 men in our dorm with no doors and low walls. It is impossible to be alone here, except when you realize that you ARE alone, with your own thoughts, like I was.
Eventually, this storm passed, but it left plenty of destruction in its wake. James tells us that we should consider it "all Joy" when trials come our way. I have to admit that I still struggle to find joy in this trial. The amount of pain in damaged relationships is unbearable! I do take comfort in knowing that as the healing process begins, the relationships become stronger. The healing takes time, but when it is measured by the "clock of eternity", the time goes by quickly!
The principle lesson learned in this storm is to put your COMPLETE trust in the God who created the perfect relationship. David also discovered this as he tells us in Psalm 62:1-8. God only is my rock and salvation, my fortress, I will NOT be greatly shaken. In fact, I was devastated and He showed me that I need to put my trust in Him alone, rather than in man (or woman, as the case may be).
I further learned an important lesson about prison life in this storm. I was told by a seasoned inmate when I arrived that it is futile to think that I can keep up with life on the outside. Life for people on the outside moves at a much faster pace than my life on the inside. As a result, our lives cannot be synchronized. If we try, we will only experience frustration. The life of an inmate turns at a slower pace. My life is characterized by the old movie "Ground Hog Day". My life repeats itself every day with little change until I am finally released. Meanwhile, your lives on the outside are filled with freedoms, excitement, and adventure, which makes for a fulfilling lifestyle. Trying to keep these worlds synchronized will lead to disaster. So I must learn to change my expectation that it is even remotely possible to stay connected to your world.
This storm has passed. The healing and restoration is underway. I am wiser now and stand ready with my shield of Faith. I was hit by a flaming dart launched by Satan. I don't want to be caught off-guard like that again!
I have been blessed by some books from dear friends on the outside. They are all inspiring, which is exactly what I need right now. I didn't feel much like reading for quite some time, but now it is helpful to me. Writing has been difficult for me, as well. I felt as though there was no wind in my sails. There was no inspiration.
Through it all, God is FAITHFUL!! He sent His Son to die on the cross so we can have the gift of forgiveness and the ministry of reconciliation. We must share this gift with others even when they are unwilling to ask for forgiveness. I simply need to apply more grace to get through the pain. After all, isn't that what Jesus did for me?"
McFreedom
