I remember back when Jeannie and I were still dating and I was thinking about asking her to marry me. I knew this meant that one of us would have to move. When I realized that I would be the one moving to "Mayberry", I considered what it would be like to live in a small community.
At the time, I was living in the twin cities, which had so much to offer. There were so many retail stores to choose from, it took too much time to make a decision. There were retail stores everywhere! You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a mall. We had Rosedale, Ridgedale, Southdale, Maplewood Mall, the Mall of America and, not to mention the endless line of strip malls between the big malls!! If you couldn't find what you wanted at a store, you could ask the clerk to look up the sku number and see if they had it at another mall. If they did, you were usually only a 30 minute drive away (assuming it was not during rush hours of the day) If you wanted a product, you could usually get it the same day. The options were seemingly endless.
Moving to Mayberry would severely limit my options! There was only one mall with many vacant store fronts, one Target (not the "Super Store" either), one Walmart, one Menards. The selection of stores was down right depressing! Especially without a Best Buy store to loiter in!
I should explain myself here. I didn't make the decision to get married based on retail shopping options! That decision was based on the love of a beautiful woman. The lack of retail options was more the charm of this sleepy community. After all, if I needed a product the local stores couldn't supply, I could shop the internet and have it delivered to my door, so I didn't have to fight the Mayberry rush hour traffic. Yes, they have a rush hour there. School traffic, Clinic traffic, Amish traffic, bicycles and skateboard traffic, too. All this "traffic" can turn a 7-minute commute into a ... 10-MINUTE COMMUTE!!!! So make sure you plan ahead!
Here in prison, we shop at the "mall" every week. However, our mall has only one store and they call it Commissary. This is a very unique store with a whole new way to shop. It takes some instruction and finesse to navigate. (Something a NEW inmate is not given) This is also entertainment for the more savvy shoppers at commissary.
First, you need to know that all inmates are "criminals" and therefore should never be trusted. If you ask them, many will tell you they are innocent. These are the ones who you really need to be careful of.
Because of this low level of trust, all the products available to us are kept behind a locked door. We don't have the luxury of reading the label or otherwise examine for expiration dates before we purchase. We are given a single sheet of 8 x 14 paper that lists the entire stock the commissary offers. The items on the list range from personal care items, clothing, snack foods, and over-the-counter medications.
I go through the list and put a number of the items I want to purchase AND circle it so they don't overlook the item. Often times, this doesn't really help, as they still seem to miss it.
My list varies from week to week, but here are some of the items I purchase:
M&M Peanut (or Pretzel) Batteries
Popcorn (pre-popped, if they have it) Granola Bars
Peanut Butter Cereal Bars
Tortilla Wraps Coffee (Maxwell House instant)
Vanilla Wafers Sweetener
Tortilla Chips V-8 Juice
Stamps (miscellaneous other goodies)
I try to keep a minimal supply of snacks on hand to kill the between meal hunger pains. We are required to keep everything in our locker, which is a challenge with bags of popcorn and chips. I have discovered a way to store these items in a laundry bag, which hangs on a peg on the wall. I hang my uniforms in front of them to disguise the bag behind it. They know we do this but they don't make an issue of it unless we let it become a problem.
Once I have completed my weekly shopping list, I can go shopping on my assigned shopping day, which is Thursday. The shopping days rotate every quarter. This is supposed to give everyone a fair opportunity to shop at a store with a complete inventory. They fail to keep the products stocked every day, so we all have the same opportunity to have an incomplete order.
The commissary is located in the "mall" next to the barber and the laundry. There is a small waiting area with benches to sit on along two of the walls. The rest of the 10 x 20 room is standing room only.
When you enter this crowded room, you must navigate to the corner and deposit your commissary list in a mail chute where it will be collected by a commissary worker (inmate) who fulfills the orders. Once you surrender your order, you can expect to wait up to two hours for it to be ready. We stand shoulder to shoulder waiting for someone who is sitting on the bench to get up, so we can take his spot.
In the mean time, we watch each person ahead of us get his order delivered. Our entertainment during this wait time is watching people make stupid mistakes at the check out window. The most common of these is "I forgot to order Snicker Bars, can you please add them on to my order?" We all turn toward the window to watch the "cop" begin a shouting rant which informs everyone in earshot that there are NO ADDITIONS!!! Everyone but the shopping inmate see's this coming. So why do they try it? This is a good question.
The cop sits behind a thick glass window. He has a microphone on a long stand which he uses to call our names, when it is our turn. There is a small speaker embedded in the center of the window. The volume is low and it projects a tinny, scratchy sound as he speaks through it. There are several cracks in the window near the speaker. I can only assume these were caused by an angry cop trying to make the speaker work as he strikes it with his fist.
Below the window, is a stainless steel chute where the cop slides your carefully selected products. He scans each item, then drops it down the chute with brute force.
There are two hooks under the chute where we hang our laundry bags from. You have to be quick to move these items into your bag. If you cause the tunnel to back up, the check out cop starts his humiliating rant, which is equally entertaining for the captive audience.
Once you clear your newly purchased items into your laundry bag, you need to move out of hte way quickly for the next "victim". After you return to your cube, with your purchase, you want to lay down and take a nap to recover from the experience. But first you have to check your items to see what they forgot or were out of stock. This happens every week, but you get used to it. We learn quickly to tolerate the lack of choices, short-tempered customer service, and often times outdated food items. I would give anything to be able to have the ability to exercise my consumer rights again.
I found a very nice benefit when I started working in the laundry. Every Tuesday, we all bring our commissary lists to work with us. Our boss signs each of them and we deliver them to the commissary team when they open. They put our lists on the top of the pile. They fill our orders first, so we are in and out of the commissary room in less than 30 minutes. This is one of the best benefits we have! Although it is certainly nice to be put ahead of the line, I do feel badly for those who are stranded in that small waiting room.
Sad note: Commissary discontinued the sale of pre-popped popcorn. :-( I have two bags left. How long can I make it last?????
McFreedom
